There are two kinds of people pleasers, which are you and how can somatic therapy help?

If you’ve explored pop psychology - maybe you follow some therapists on Instagram - you may have come across the term ‘fawning.’ This term is used to describe people pleasing as a protective pattern stemming from traumatic experiences, along with other responses such as fight, flight, and freeze. It works as a quick way to remember different trauma responses because of the alliteration of the F’s, but neuroscience and the polyvagal theory illuminate that it’s more nuanced than that - there are actually two different ways that people pleasing manifests, and it can be really helpful to understand the differences between them.

A quick crash course on polyvagal theory

Polyvagal theory posits that there are three main branches of the nervous system. Importantly, I want to start by saying that the nervous system is often talked about in reference to threat and trauma, but the nervous system is actually always working, even when we feel safe.

1. The ventral vagal pathway: this is our social engagement system. This is how we access a sense of safety through relationships with other people. When the ventral vagal pathway is stimulated we are open to connection - and not just with people, but the world more broadly, nature, animals, new experiences, and so on.

2. The sympathetic nervous system: this is the part of our nervous system that mobilizes us. When we wake up in the morning or go to play soccer with friends, the sympathetic nervous system is online. When we detect danger, the sympathetic nervous system shifts into a state of protection: this is the fight-or-flight system many people are familiar with.

3. The dorsal vagal pathway: this is the part of our nervous system that helps to slow us down. It helps us to fall asleep at night or to feel a sense of calm stillness. When we feel unsafe, the dorsal vagal pathway works as more of a shutdown mechanism. This is where depression, and certain kinds of dissociation come online.

These branches of the nervous system also work in what are called blended states. Actually, what I described as play or calm stillness are blended states - this is when one of the second two branches described are working in tandem with the ventral vagal pathway. We are activated while playing soccer, for instance, but we feel safe enough. And we are more immobilized when we are still and calm, for instance, but not in a stay still to hide from predators way.

The two kinds of people pleasing

Appeasement

The way the term ‘fawn’ is generally used is to describe how we respond in relationships when we feel unsafe (whether physically or emotionally, or whether we fear abandonment), but often in a sense where we are overextending ourselves to meet someone else’s needs. But the polyvagal theory concept of blended states actually says that this is more accurately appeasement. In this model, appeasement is a blend between a mobilized, anxious state ( AKA the sympathetic nervous system), the immobilization of the dorsal vagal nervous system, AND the ventral vagal pathway is also on board because we are seeking connection through this trauma response. We could generally think of it as a I’ll do whatever you want as long as you stay with me response.

Fawning

Fawning, in the polyvagal model is less relational. Fawning is more shutdown and withdrawn. It is a blended state with sympathetic activation and dorsal vagal activation. We could think of it as well, I guess you don’t care about me, so I’ll just go over here response. It is people pleasing in the sense that there’s a concession to the other person, but it is not an attempt to get connection; it’s a giving up.

Don't get too tripped up by the semantics

Now, words are not perfect. Some might say that fawning is not people pleasing, but for the purpose of this article and making my point, I’m going to say it is because it is definitely not a behavioral pattern that is in service of what you actually want - to be seen, heard, validated, respected, dignified. It’s a concession.

Take a moment and see if you can really feel the difference between the two. I often think of and describe appeasement as a leaning in and over-extending, and fawning as a leaning back and collapsing.

How can somatic therapy help you stop people pleasing?

In somatic therapy, we work towards understanding the specific subtleties of your own patterns in relationships. Based on what your nervous system is doing, we can explore different strategies for staying connected to your own dignity while in relationship with other people - whether that means reaching for connection or walking away from a relationship that isn’t serving you. And we do this in a very specific way so as to not cause any additional shame - afterall, you are doing your very best and it's truly incredibly how adaptive our bodies become in order to get our needs met.

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